At age 11 I was molested by my adoptive brother. I was adopted into this family when I was 6 months old due to being severely abused by my biological family. When my adopted family got me I had cigarette burns all over my body and severe bed sores on my bottom from not having my diaper changed. The adoptive family was wonderful until about age 10-11. That is when my brother who was 18 at the time started playing this “tickle” game.
It started out with; “you tickle my foot and then I will yours-while we were watching TV”. Then it escalated to him coming into my bedroom and wanting me to tickle something else. Needless to say when this started I was scared to death to be left alone with him in the house. I can’t believe my mom didn’t know what was going on, since everytime she left me with my sisters and brother to babysit, I would scream and once banged on the screen door so hard I broke the glass in it and cut my hand all up.
I tried to tell her a few times but she “didn’t have time to talk”. She also favored my brother, he couldn’t do NO WRONG! When things started happening like my brother killing my pet rabbit in front of me by hitting it on the head while he hung it upside down, to stunts like asking me to hold onto the battery cables on his motorcycle when he tried to jump start it thus ending in me getting a shock, while my mother stood at the door and watched and laughed. That is when I realized she MUST HAVE known what was going on.
I started thinking this is what is normal in a household like this, he kept justifying it because we weren’t technically blood relatives. I knew in my mind it couldn’t be right but I had to justify it as normal until I could do something about it.
At age 15 I emancipated myself by getting married to a 23 year old to escape the house and the abuse from my brother.
Later on in life I thought I had overcome the abuse and that I was strong and could live with it, but now that I’m 46 and have had LOTS of counseling, I’ve come to realize that the abuse had set boundaries and limitations in all future relationships. Every relationship I had after that I felt like their was ALWAYS a motivation behind sex, even when it was with someone who loved you TOTALLY. When I met John he thought I was crazy with all my mistrust issues in our relationship. Well technically I am crazy I have bipolar:):)
He went through therapy with me and still is, to try and get over these thoughts I have about relationships. Alot of the events my brother put me through and not just the sexual abuse but the cruel acts he would do like kill my pet rabbit and then we would eat it for dinner left the thought of being with a man just sickening. So I entered relationships which I endured even if they were dysfunctional. I was married and physically abused but stayed because in my mind if a man does something bad to you, it’s only to show how much he loves you, and after all he did apologize and act affectionate afterwards. And that craving you have for affection after being beat excuses all past behavior.
Then I married an Iranain who virtually “own” their women. I was sold in Iran for drug debts, I had moved to Iran only to find out you need your husbands written permission to leave the country. This is why I wrote a book, not only for a catharsis but to inform others that they are not alone in their “screwed up” thinking and possibly making them realize WHY they have that thinking. I can’t solve anyone’s problems but I can share and hope that my story might be familiar with another persons to the point that they realize the relationship they are in or were in wasn’t normal and to get OUT.
I’ve added some resourceful links on childhood sexual abuse. Hopefully these might provide some help and prevention signs to not only recognize abuse but prevent it as well.
I wish you all well in your journey to recovery. Myself I will never see myself as cured, because the act was committed, but what I will see myself is as HEALING and continue to see that what happened wasn’t my fault or RIGHT! Thank you and God Bless.