This is to encourage those that think their life is meaningless or boring to share a day or a week with me and maybe by sharing we can all laugh and maybe help each other cope.
I just want to share with you how my life goes dealing with the “issues” that I suffer from. You all should know by now that I have “BIPOLAR”, “DRUG ABUSE”, “PTSD”, “DEPRESSION”, and if I’ve missed one let me know.
On a daily basis I have to deal with the past. No matter how much therapy I’ve endured I still suffer with nightmares on Iran, and constant dreams of Mohammad. Almost EVERY night I wake up at some point sitting up with my hands balancing me (which I’m sure is causing my carpal tunnel). The reason for this is, in the POW camp I was handcuffed to a girl named Faresh and the only way we could “rest” was when we sat back to back. If I got ANY SLEEP in that camp it was sitting up like that. We were not allowed to lay down, and generally if they saw us with our eyes closed they would nudge us with their gun butts. So despite the time period that has elapsed since that incident, I STILL SUFFER FROM THIS.
I still get nightmares about my brother sexually abusing me at age 11. Once in a great while I will get a good dream where he has died, and if I’m LUCKY I will get a double feature five star dream where he and Mohammad are BOTH killed! 🙂
Now the bipolar that is a tricky issue to deal with. I’ve been on pills now since 2007 which have helped ALOT! But the anti-depressants that I take with them usually reach a toleration level in 2-3 years so I have to try another one. But I don’t suffer from the constant mania that would appear twice or more a week causing me to take my hubby’s credit cards and go buy something, buy what you ask, it didn’t matter as long as I bought something, and that’s the truth. I still have moodiness that is hard to control, one day I will be best friends with someone and the next day they won’t talk to me due to the conversation we had the night before. My poor hubby goes through most of my ups and downs. Whenever I tell him I love him and that he’s the best man I’ve ever had the chance in knowing, he will say, “RIGHT NOW I AM, but tomorrow I could be the OGRE of your nightmares”, and he’s kind of right. He knows by now not to take me seriously when I’m upset so he just “rides” the storm. But for the most part the bipolar is under control.
The one thing that upset me is how they portray the bipolar individuals in tv shows or movies. These people always seem to be OFF THE CHARTS mentally ill. That is not bipolar. Bipolar really isn’t a mental condition it’s a MOOD DISORDER. But the way these shows depict us people get scared and get all kinds of false ideas when they meet someone who is bipolar. Another thing that needs to be addressed is when a bipolar person gets upset, mad or happy, our loved ones and those close to us ALWAYS attribute it to the BIPOLAR. It’s like we can’t have these emotions just NORMALLY, it always has to be the bipolar, thus we are not taken seriously. They assume these emotions will change tomorrow or in some cases like mine in the next ten minutes; (I have rapid cycling bipolar). We can’t just be mad at someone because they did something we didn’t like, noooo it was because we were just moody and tomorrow we will be fine with what they upset us about. Or if we get very happy (warning: don’t smile too broadly or laugh too loudly) they will think were manic and start looking at us strange like will she fly the cuckoos nest sometime soon, or will she break down crying. This just ISN’T RIGHT!
What I don’t like is how apathetic these bipolar meds can make you. They can make you so apathetic that you don’t have emotions. I feel bad for the person who is getting their medication adjusted because the doctor feels that if your sedated it’s better than being manic and you could wind up on a drug like Seroquel and sleep all day. Most of these drugs make you gain weight and then they wonder why Brittney Spears is having trouble keeping her stick thin figure. She’s lucky she has any energy at all. Some people who take these drugs take a stimulant or are so hooked on caffeine to counteract the tiredness that causes problems in their behavior too. I liked my manic episodes at times, they made me feel alive and passionate about things. Sure I did take them too far and not all my behavior was appropriate but I still enjoyed them. One time I was getting my hair done at home and had all these tin foils in my hair waiting for my color to take, I told my friend who was doing it to get in the car we had to go to the store and get lottery tickets and cigarettes. She couldn’t believe it, my hubby told her to please go with me and drive so I wouldn’t get in trouble. (he knew when I was like that to just deal with it the most tactful way possible). The people at the store knew me so it didn’t shock them (at least they didn’t show it facially). My poor hairdresser didn’t come over and do my hair again for a long time. Until she understood what it was I suffered from.
Well in a short synopsis, I drive an hour and a half every Tuesday to therapy at Henry Ford Hospital, for my PTSD of Iran, childhood sexual abuse, and my life in a nutshell. I also now have a benign brain tumor that is now 10% into my brain and growing. I also suffer from carpal tunnel syndrome, I’ve had my hip replaced already, and am on a blood thinner due to suffering from 4 lung embolisms after I snorted some Soma and Ritalin *(back in 2007). But on the bright side I went thru rehab in 2008 and now speak at the rehab hospital once a month on my book, my experiences and my recovery. This talk motivates, inspires and gives hope to those that think their lives are in dire straits. (well they tell me it does this and the patients share with me how much these talks help them) I love talking with them and the first time I did, I kept thinking I was narcissistic for standing up in front of a group of people to tell them about my life. But when they started lining up to hug me and tell me how much hope it gave them as well as inspiration to quit, and some even had tears in their eyes, well that made me the happiest that I’d been in a LONNNGGGG time! My book is sold in their gift shop and profits go to the rehab hospital. But that is ALL I have going in my life right now. I sit home, live on the computer, talk to my cats all day, and exercise everyday (MAYBE) for 30 minutes. Then I wait for the SIMPSONS to come on, and then I know it’s evening. I get up every night at 330am and eat ice cream and watch “BEWITCHED”, “I DREAM OF JEANNIE” and if I really stay up long , “THE JACK BENNY SHOW” I’m on permanent disability so I have NOTHING TO DO.
So if there is anyone out there that has suggestions for me on doing something, not gardening or crocheting, but something they know of for sure that I could help someone with either from my home pc or other, PLEASE let me know.
NOW I WANT TO HEAR YOUR LIFE STORY, or at least a day in the life of SOMEONE WITH ISSUES! 🙂
The reason I wrote this was because I was sick of playing Candy Crush Saga, and other FB games and wanted to do something that MIGHT be productive for other people too. They say if you talk about things its the first step in helping your mind deal with them. So I’m dealing with a boring existence that therapy has numbed by severe PTSD to a minimum level, but due to the disability I’m going NUTS AT HOME with NOTHING TO DO!
PLEASE SHARE YOUR STORIES!
*** For those of you who haven’t read my book or know me, the links below should help you out in that aspect. I also have had a mini-documentary done on the Discover Channel and am looking for more opportunities like that.