Four Warning Signs
1. BE AWARE OF ANYONE WHO WANTS TO SPEND TIME ALONE WITH YOUR CHILD
Is your pediatrician asking to see your child in another room alone? Is there someone overly touchy with your child? Plays tickling games with them? These are signs that someone is testing your child’s boundaries. It looks innocent at first, but this is usually how it starts. Look out for anybody who wants to take them on overnight camping trips alone, take them shopping, give them one-on-one attention. In one case, a young girl was abused in the basement TV room by the local priest while her parents cooked dinner for him upstairs. In another case, a toddler was left alone with the local TV repairman in the family room and was abused while mom did the dishes in the next room. Be vigilant.
2. WATCH OUT FOR THE PERSON WHO GIVES YOUR CHILD SPECIAL ATTENTION
Most sex abuse crimes are committed by someone the child knows and trusts… a father, an uncle, a grandfather, and close family friends. They groom you at the same time they are grooming your child. It’s many times the “nice guy” in the family, the neighbor with the cool video games, or the boyfriend
who is always offering to babysit to “give you a break.” If your child doesn’t like someone, even a close relative, is afraid of them, and doesn’t want to be alone or hugged by them, pay attention. This is an early warning sign that something is off. Is this person buying gifts for your child? Texting with them one-on- one? Offenders are very good at grooming you to build your trust which could result in you lowering your defenses, ultimately allowing them unguarded access to your child.
3. KEEP AN EYE ON YOUR CHILD’S BEHAVIOR
Children who are being groomed will not recognize what is happening. The offender has honed his skills to make children feel safe and to feel special. They often convince children to keep secrets about their relationship. Your child may spend more time at the offender’s house, or on their devices, they may start to isolate themselves from their friends and withdraw socially, even from you as a parent. If abuse has started, the child may have sleep disturbances, nightmares, bed wetting, or other regressive behaviors. Don’t scold them. Ask gently about how they are doing, and no matter what, reassure them that you will never be mad at them if something ever happens to them. As abuse continues, your child may experience more physical symptoms like stomach aches, and bouts of uncontrollable crying.
4. PHYSICAL SIGNS OF ABUSE
In the majority of sex abuse cases, physical injury is not present, mainly because children delay disclosure of their abuse, sometimes for weeks, months or even years after the abuse occurred. Offenders also deter the report of the abuse by threatening the child with harm of a family member or a beloved pet, or with the idea that the child will get in trouble if they tell. This gives time for the body to heal. So, a physical exam with no injury cannot rule out abuse. However, if there has been recent abuse, the child may complain of pain in the private area. Any signs of injury or abnormalities should be evaluated by your pediatrician.
CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE: FOUR WARNING SIGNS AND HOW TO RESPOND
How to Respond to a Disclosure:
IF YOUR CHILD DISCLOSES ABUSE, LISTEN TO THEM
Only 20-30% of children report their abuse soon after the event occurred.1 Most children will delay disclosure of their abuse for years and even into adulthood. Children have usually been threatened to remain silent, so overcoming that takes tremendous courage. This may sound impossible in a moment like this, but it is imperative that you not shut your child down if they disclose abuse to you. For young children, there is the “accidental” disclosure. This might occur at a doctor’s visit, or at bath time. Other children will “tiptoe” towards a disclosure to test the waters of your reaction. They might start with “Uncle Bob is not
a nice person” or something similar to see how you respond. A good rule of thumb is to ask open-ended questions like “Oh, why is that?” instead of “You shouldn’t say that about your uncle!” If your child makes a direct disclosure, ask questions calmly like, “When did that happen?” Be careful not to interrogate your child, as that can shut the child down. While this type of disclosure is shocking, it’s important to remain steady and calm while affirming your child. Thank them for telling you and reassure the child that they are not in trouble and that you will help protect them. Let your child lead the conversation.
TAKE ACTION IMMEDIATELY AFTER RECEIVING A DISCLOSURE
Do not alert or confront the offender. If the abusive event(s) was within 72 hours of disclosure, contact law enforcement and then contact your pediatrician. If the abusive event(s) took place more than 72 hours before the disclosure and did not involve physical injury, there will likely not be physical evidence, and you should contact the National Child Abuse Hotline (1-800-4-A-CHILD).
Keep a record of the disclosure, writing down exactly what was said, and the date and time. For mothers reporting abuse perpetrated by a biological father, your case will likely be tried in family court, not criminal court, where issues of protection and custodial access will be litigated. If you are in that situation, contact Child Justice.org immediately after contacting the child abuse hotline or local law enforcement. If your child was abused by a non-caretaker, your case will go to law enforcement. If your child was abused by a caretaker, then your case will go to social services. Pedophiles and child sexual abusers don’t walk around with a sign over their heads. They’re not easy to spot. You won’t be able to identify one walking down the street. They look like normal guys during the day. They have respectable jobs, and people trust them. They’re pillars of the community. They are pastors, pediatricians, teachers…husbands. These are people in your life that you know. They lead a double life. These offenders have spent their entire lives perfecting deception during the day. At night, some of them go online to communicate with other offenders. They share abuse material and discuss tactics and techniques to get to more children.
Understandably, this is terrifying. The last thing you want is for something like this to happen to your children. You can be better prepared to help safeguard them by understanding some of the warning signs of sexual abuse and how to respond if this happens to your child.
Life can be very difficult following the disclosure that your child has been sexually abused. Not only are you dealing with the grief from their lived experience, but you are helping your child navigate the next steps and heal from this trauma.
No matter how hard it gets or how many times others don’t believe you, your child is relying on you to be their advocate. The number one predictor of whether a child is going to heal and recover from their abuse is if their mother believes them.
Be encouraged, be equipped, and be vigilant in safeguarding your children.
Thank you for letting those of us with a small voice help make a big difference.
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