REMEMBER THIS IF YOUR BIPOLAR:)

Please remember to TAKE YOUR MEDS!!!

I didn’t really realize how MUCH they made a difference until I was videotaped one time, and my GOD I looked and acted like a completely different person. One who was way too hyper and sensitive, and a little paranoid. I always think that I’m not good enough for anyone (especially after 911). After what was done to me, I couldn’t look people in the eye. It was so hard to believe that anyone would find anything interesting enough in me to want to be my friend. …UNLESS..they WANTED SOMETHING. It seems like being bipolar either leaves you in a total state of despair and insecurity or it gives you so much self esteem and confidence that it borders on the narcissitic mode. Sadly neither last for only a short time. I think that is why I wouldn’t take my meds, I liked those times of being so confident and arrogant and felt tlike I could conquer the world, and I would conquer a lot of things, but usually turned out bad in the end, but at the time it was happening I felt like GOD….like no one knows what I’m thinking and that I could covince someone to do anything. And usually when someone has that much confidence it produces an energy so strong that others feel it and you do end up getting away with a lot…take for example the movie “CATCH ME IF YOU CAN”. But as usual just like in the movie the Bipolar didn’t get the girl and live happily ever after, they usually get involved with the criminal justice system and is put in prison or other. Most Bipolars are HIGHLY INTELLIGENT, they theorize that this is based upon how the neurons fire into certain synapses of the brain, and the ones they touch are the ones responsible for intelligence and creative thinking. If they could only bottle the effects/affects that mania has and then only the GOOD CREATIVITY, then we would have some pretty brilliant people out there. But trust me stay on your meds and stay STABLE, CONSISTENT…well as consistent as you CAN BE. Be blessed with who is around you and willing to go through this with you.

Remember people we are geniuses so we have to stay calm to put up with the other people of this world:):):):)

Discovery Channel Documentary

I’m finally doing it, the Discovery Channel is coming to my house to make a DOCUMENTARY about what happened to me in Iran.  I’m so scared and am urging everyone to pray for me.  The people I’ve known since blogging have been the most supportive in the world.  I can’t thank you enough for all your nice, encouraging comments as well as reviewing my book.  I will keep you up to date on when it airs and how it is going day by day.  Again thank you everyone! Lori

The beginning of my demise-Childhood sexual abuse

At age 11 I was molested by my adoptive brother.  I was adopted into this family when I was 6 months old due to being severely abused by my biological family.  When my adopted family got me I had cigarette burns all over my body and severe bed sores on my bottom from not having my diaper changed.  The adoptive family was wonderful until about age 10-11.  That is when my brother who was 18 at the time started playing this “tickle” game.

It started out with; “you tickle my foot and then I will yours-while we were watching TV”.  Then it escalated to him coming into my bedroom and wanting me to tickle something else.  Needless to say when this started I was scared to death to be left alone with him in the house.  I can’t believe my mom didn’t know what was going on, since everytime she left me with my sisters and brother to babysit, I would scream and once banged on the screen door so hard I broke the glass in it and cut my hand all up.

I tried to tell her a few times but she “didn’t have time to talk”.  She also favored my brother, he couldn’t do NO WRONG!  When things started happening like my brother killing my pet rabbit in front of me by hitting it on the head while he hung it upside down, to stunts like asking me to hold onto the battery cables on his motorcycle when he tried to jump start it thus ending in me getting a shock, while my mother stood at the door and watched and laughed.  That is when I realized she MUST HAVE known what was going on.

I started thinking this is what is normal in a household like this, he kept justifying it because we weren’t technically blood relatives.  I knew in my mind it couldn’t be right but I had to justify it as normal until I could do something about it.

At age 15 I emancipated myself by getting married to a 23 year old to escape the house and the abuse from my brother.

Later on in life I thought I had overcome the abuse and that I was strong and could live with it, but now that I’m 46 and have had LOTS of counseling, I’ve come to realize that the abuse had set boundaries and limitations in all future relationships.  Every relationship I had after that I felt like their was ALWAYS a motivation behind sex, even when it was with someone who loved you TOTALLY.  When I met John he thought I was crazy with all my mistrust issues in our relationship.  Well technically I am crazy I have bipolar:):)

He went through therapy with me and still is, to try and get over these thoughts I have about relationships.  Alot of the events my brother put me through and not just the sexual abuse but the cruel acts he would do like kill my pet rabbit and then we would eat it for dinner left the thought of being with a man just sickening.  So I entered relationships which I endured even if they were dysfunctional.  I was married and physically abused but stayed because in my mind if a man does something bad to you, it’s only to show how much he loves you, and after all he did apologize and act affectionate afterwards.  And that craving you have for affection after being beat excuses all past behavior.

Then I married an Iranain who virtually “own” their women.  I was sold in Iran for drug debts, I had moved to Iran only to find out you need your husbands written permission to leave the country.  This is why I wrote a book, not only for a catharsis but to inform others that they are not alone in their “screwed up” thinking and possibly making them realize WHY they have that thinking.  I can’t solve anyone’s problems but I can share and hope that my story might be familiar with another persons to the point that they realize the relationship they are in or were in wasn’t normal and to get OUT.

I’ve added some resourceful links on childhood sexual abuse.  Hopefully these might provide some help and prevention signs to not only recognize abuse but prevent it as well.

I wish you all well in your journey to recovery.  Myself I will never see myself as cured, because the act was committed, but what I will see myself is as HEALING and continue to see that what happened wasn’t my fault or RIGHT!  Thank you and God Bless.

http://www.pandys.org/articles/oldersurvivorsofchildsexualassault.html

http://www.wiit.com/guided_tour.htm

http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/signs.cfm

http://www.d2l.org/site/c.4dICIJOkGcISE/b.6035035/k.8258/Prevent_Child_Sexual_Abuse.htm

http://findatherapist.wordpress.com/2010/01/15/recognizing-child-sexual-predators-protecting-your-children/

Suboxone…my WONDER DRUG for addiction!

Suboxone is a relatively new drug for addiction.  I was first prescribed it in rehab in October 2008.  I couldn’t believe it!!!   I had NO WITHDRAWALS and it gave me this overall “calmness”.  It might not do this for everyone but I guarantee you if you use it you will know the difference between this and the traditional Methadone.  Suboxone is a NARCOTIC, but it works two ways, it has an opoid in it, then it has another ingredient that counteracts the “HIGH” feeling you get from opiates.  It also will cause withdrawals if you try to take another opiate with it.

YOU HAVE TO TRY IT TO BELIEVE IT, and it might not work the same on everyone.  The opiod it contains is strong so it will help with any pain you are having.  Matter of fact they are using it on cancer patients and is working better than MORPHINE for pain.

I have found some helpful information for you and the links are below.

I think if you try it you will be amazed.  It’s an orange pill that you let dissolve under your tongue and you do this one to twice daily.  I will let the experts tell you the rest:)

SUBOXONE and SUBUTEX are prescription medicines used to treat adults addicted to opioid (narcotic painkillers) medicines and drugs, such as morphine and heroin. SUBOXONE and SUBUTEX take the place of these medicines and drugs and may help you stop using and abusing them. SUBOXONE and SUBUTEX are part of a complete addiction treatment program that also includes counseling or behavioral therapy. SUBOXONE and SUBUTEX have not been studied in children.

SUBOXONE

is a tablet that contains 2 medicines.

  1. The first medicine is called buprenorphine (BYOO-pruh-NOR-feen). It is like painkiller medicines such as morphine, street drugs like heroin, and addiction treatment medicines like methadone. Buprenorphine may give you less of a “high” than these other prescription medicines and street drugs. Withdrawal or stopping buprenorphine may be easier than stopping other prescription medicines and street drugs.
  2. SUBOXONE also contains naloxone (nal-OX-own). When naloxone is injected, it blocks the effects of medicines and drugs like methadone, heroin, and morphine. Naloxone is added to SUBOXONE to stop people from injecting (“shooting-up”) SUBOXONE tablets. When you use SUBOXONE under your tongue (sublingually), as prescribed, the naloxone in SUBOXONE should not stop the medicine’s effects. However, if you inject SUBOXONE, the naloxone can give you bad withdrawal symptoms.
  3. SUBUTEX is a tablet and it contains only the medicine buprenorphine SUBUTEX is different from SUBOXONE because it does not contain naloxone.

Here is the link if you want more info:

www.suboxone.com

I suggest you ask your doctor about it.  Not just any doctor can prescribe it either, they have to have a special license just to prescribe it.  So do your research. Good Luck.

 

 

 

 

Remembering 911

My students- Layla is on the Right End.

 

My heart goes out to those who lost loved ones, knew those who perished, or was involved with 911.  But I guess we were ALL involved with 911, it not only affected those directly involved but it involved us as a nation.  It involved our trust issues and brought back prejudice on such a high scale that some of us aren’t even sure to this day if we should trust ANYONE from the Middle East.

My view is that you can go on trusting just do so with discretion.  And it’s too bad that it has to be like that.  My story is a little different.

I was in Iran on 9/11.  On 9/12 I was taken as a prisoner and held captive in a POW type camp in the hills of Iran.  As far as I can guess we were held as leverage in case the USA decided to retaliate against the Middle East.   People who knew or were related to Americans were put into these camp.  I was raped, beaten and tortured for six weeks.  When I arrived home in November 2001 I weighed 70 pounds, had traumatic brain injury and most of my teeth had been knocked out.

What I’m about to say is crazy, but I don’t hate Muslims or Middle Easterners.  God knows I’ve tried and people can’t understand why, I don’t understand why.  I guess there were a couple years in Iran when I first moved there that were GREAT YEARS.  Not with my Iranian husband but with girls that I taught English to.  They weren’t just students they were my friends too.  Aged 10-19, these girls trusted me, so they would ask me questions about the USA, boys and religion.  Each day after class we’d sit down and just talk and they knew what they told me or asked I wouldn’t tell their parents.  We became so close and they were the ones who helped get me through Iran while I was kept there since my husband wouldn’t give his written permission to let me leave the country.  So I really enjoyed these girls and respect what they have to endure on a daily basis.  So I guess in my mind how can I hate a country or faith that these girls and others like them are a part of.  There are FANATICS in all religions, and those are the ones we have to fear.  Layla one of my students was killed in her fathers swimming pool for not being a virgin on her wedding night. I quit teaching soon after that.

I only wish the best for the survivors of this tragedy, but in reality we are all survivors and we are here today due to our choices in life.

Thank you for listening.  God Bless all!

My two BFF’s= Big Furry Friends!

These are the two guys that have helped me get through writing my book and dealing with the aftermath.  If I’m sick they immediately come and lay by me and won’t leave.  If I cry they come and sit by me.  I always knew cats were intelligent but their compassion is unbelievable.  I love them both like my kids and I can’t imagine life without them.  They are both 9 years old, and I keep getting nervous and ask the vet every year, they can live to be TWENTY right??? I don’t think I’d ever be ready to lose them.  Just as you are about your pets.

Please share your stories.  I love to hear them.

Liebster Blog Award

The Liebster Blog Award is given to up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers. Liebster is German for favorite. This award is the favorite blog award.”
The rules for this one state that you answer the 11 questions asked of you by the Blogger who gave you this award. These would be questions for me from Rosemary aka Mamie.
I really appreciate your nomination Thank you very much!!!
This is a repost due to my last blog disappearing on me.   But rest assured I am the MASTER OF MY OWN DOMAIN NOE!:)
These were my 11 questions with my answers that Rosemary asked those that she gave the award to, me being one of the LUCKY ones.
1. What or who influenced you to write? My experience in Iran. Then I realized I
had more to give than just that, my life was an experience to be shared and
hopefully inspire others to overcome their “demons”.

2. Are you
currently working on another book? No

3. What is your favorite past
time? Playing with my two “kitties”. well they are actually cats but will always
be my “kitties”. They were there for me all the time I was writing this book.
That is why some of the profits of my book goes towards HSUS. Pets are wonderful
and love you no matter WHAT!

4. If you could travel anywhere in the
world, where would it be and why? I don’t think I would go anywhere outside of
the USA due to what happened to me in Iran. It really made me appreciate what a
great country we have and shouldn’t take our freedoms or rights for granted. Nor
should we abuse or manipulate them.

5. What advise would you give
someone that is thinking about writing a book? Do an online search and review
the comments on the publisher that your going to sign with. Whether it’s a print
on demand publisher or a well-known one, always check out their references and
track records.

6. If you had to select a public office to hold, what
would you choose for yourself and why? None, it’s too complicated. Politics are
just too upsetting for me after what I had to deal with when I was in Dubai
asking our USA embassy to help me get back home. They made me sign a
non-disclosure agreement just to get home. Thank God once getting here we have
freedom of speech so that non-disclosure agreement meant nothing.

7.
Do you have any hobbies? Not really, I am on the computer alot, ALOT more since
I’ve joined this site and started meeting other people with the same interest.
And I also just started a gym…but we will hold out on that decision to make it
a hobby until after my circuit training today:)

8. Where is your
favorite restaurant and favorite food to eat?
I don’t really have one. If I
went on the choice of desserts alone I’d have to say BIG BOY, their fudge
brownie sundae is to die for! Thats my fallback…desserts!

9. What is
your fondest memory?
When John kept being so persistent even though I was
ignoring him for a relationship. I never thought I’d be in love again and didn’t
trust ANYONE, then he sold his John Deere Dealership so he could stay home and
take care of me after I returned from Iran…

10. What is your favorite
movie or TV series? Big Bang Theory

There you go, now what is next in
order to claim the award, and what award button are you talking about…remember
I’m naieve to these sites on blogs:)

11. What is your reason for
writing?

Desiderata (words to live by)

If we ALL could live by these words the world would be a MUCH BETTER PLACE!!!

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

© Max Ehrmann 1927