To LIVE or EXIST?

Today is one of those “BAD” days, where you have to force yourself out of bed, and look outside and say I’m lucky to be alive and with someone who loves me.  There was nothing special that happened to make me so apathetic or sad, just another day in the life of a bipolar, addict, PTSD survivor and sexual abuse survivor.  I think having one of these is bad enough and GOD I can empathize with your moods, but I think the reigning disorder that makes me feel like I do today is called BIPOLAR.

Now I’m not sure if adding all of the above with the bipolar does anymore to me or less, but I know my bipolar has changed since I was younger.  When I was younger and went on manic episodes I was creative, proud, confident and got things accomplished *just in a lot shorter time period:).  But now all I get is “she’s manic again”.  No one lets me express me or let me bask in the moment of confidence and wanting to accomplish the world, instead it’s a BAD THING to be manic.  I’m sure there are bad episodes of being manic, but I’m sure there are GOOD PRODUCTIVE ONES too.  The medication that were on doesn’t really help either.  It helps those around us (because were apathetic and don’t make their lives anymore confusing) but for us it is like the loss of “LIFE”.  I don’t mind being stable and I’m pretty sure I don’t get out of control like I used to, but I still enjoy my manic days, and no one can understand that.  I’m writing this to get YOUR INPUT on how you view your bipolar.

Now on to substance abuse.  I speak now at a rehab facility, and one thing I say (WHICH IS MY BELIEF) if you don’t have anyone to get clean for then your not going to get clean.  I know they preach about doing it for “YOURSELF” but I still say unless you have a motivating factor that bugs your conscience about not wanting to do drugs anymore than I don’t think you’d get clean.  If I were alone and had no one that loved me, I would have never went to rehab, I probably would have done MORE DRUGS!   When you finally find a reason to live albeit health recovery or someone you meet then you have a DESIRE to quit and seek out that new life with the person you love.  Now don’t get me wrong and think I mean you have to have a “LOVER” or B/F or G/F, I mean anyone that cares about you and wants you clean to the point that you finally get tired of seeing that person hurt.  It could be a child, a spouse or mother or BFF, hell it could be your pet.

Now on to the cravings, I’m on this drug called SUBOXONE, and I’m taking 4 8mg/2mg tabs a day, this is NOT what people normally take.  They usually are weaned off this drug before leaving the clinic.  But since I’ve been severely injured in IRAN, and suffer from so many pain issues they decided to keep me on this dose, so I wouldn’t go back to pain pills.  Virtually I gave up one addiction for another, since these pills are narcotics.  They are also supposed to help you not crave ANYTHING you have abused in your past.   BS, every time I see a movie where someone is doing coke, I get such an urge it isn’t funny.  The only difference now is I DON’T GIVE IN TO MY CRAVINGS, although sometimes I do try to do a logic summation of IF I did give in, how would this not hurt me.

Now onto PTSD, where no one understands how noises, smells, or certain situations can leave you feeling nervous or even worse make you feel like your going to die in that moment, because you feel like you’ve been there before.  Well you have been there before they are called flashbacks, and anything can trigger them, a loud noise a TV show like Law  & Order SVU (rapes), a certain smell, (these happen to me a lot) but it’s really like your back to that moment in time which was your HELL ON EARTH.  People don’t get it or they think were faking it for attention, I just want to make people aware that these things are VERY REAL, and the best thing to deal with them is a loving supportive friend or pet.

In a synopsis I just wanted to point out how I feel during these and because of these events and WELCOME YOUR INPUT on how you deal with life under the circumstances of one of these disorders.  Your INPUT will not only help me it could help others realize different ways to deal with them.  PLEASE COMMENT!!!

Also I feel better now that I’ve written this and vented a little. And remember we have TWO CHOICES IN LIFE, to LIVE it or just EXIST in it, you decide, God Bless.

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The “keep quiet cause no one will believe you” crime!

Childhood sexual abuse,  is the “hush-hush” crime.  Most who go through it are scared to death to tell anyone out of fear of not being believed, or fearing their molester so bad that they just keep quiet.  My experience was no different.

I was 10 years old when my brother started playing this “tickle” game with me.  It started out with you tickle my foot and I’ll tickle yours, then it advanced to tickling other things.  I was mortified the first time it happened.  My brother was 8 years older than me and I was the only adopted child in the family, so I think he justified it due to this. (not being his REAL sister).  I know my mom must have known but my brother was her FAVORITE and he could do no wrong, so I was really confused.  Do I tell my mom and have her hate me because I said something bad about her baby, or do I keep doing it to get her approval.

I remember when it started happening, I became so frightened when my parents would leave the house and I was left there with him and my sisters, I started banging on the screen door once screaming for them not to go, I banged so hard my hand went through a glass door.  Don’t you think my mom should have realized something??? All of a sudden I start going nuts anytime she leaves the house.  But she never said anything when he did other cruel acts to me.  Once he called me out to the garage and had my bunny hanging upside down in his hands and then he hit it over and over again on the head and killed it, and we ATE IT THAT NIGHT FOR DINNER.  I truly thought it was chicken then my brother blurted out it was my bunny, I ran from the table and threw up.   My brother never had intercourse with me until he knew for sure that I had already experienced it at age 13.  I won’t say too much because this is in my book, but I will summarize it by saying at age 15 I emancipated myself from my family and got married, so I could escape the house where my hell was being played out.  I couldn’t believe my mom and dad let me go so easily, but they did.

Now I know I’m not the only one who has been abused but I wanted to share my story so you know it’s OK TO TALK ABOUT IT!  There are places to go for help, there is counseling for those who have been through it, you don’t have to KEEP QUIET ANY LONGER!!!

I beg you all to get the help you need and for the rest of you to LISTEN when someone is trying to tell you of an incident like this.  Most of us feel uncomfortable when someone starts telling us something like this and we are unsure of what to do, so I will give you some resources.  Also some behaviors to look for that might indicate someone is being molested.

Behavior you may see in a child or adolescent

  • Has nightmares or other sleep problems without an explanation
  • Seems distracted or distant at odd times
  • Has a sudden change in eating habits
    • Refuses to eat
    • Loses or drastically increases appetite
    •  Has trouble swallowing.
  • Sudden mood swings: rage, fear, insecurity or withdrawal
  • Leaves “clues” that seem likely to provoke a discussion about sexual issues
  • Writes, draws, plays or dreams of sexual or frightening images
  • Develops new or unusual fear of certain people or places
  • Refuses to talk about a secret shared with an adult or older child
  • Talks about a new older friend
  • Suddenly has money, toys or other gifts without reason
  • Thinks of self or body as repulsive, dirty or bad
  • Exhibits adult-like sexual behaviors, language and knowledge

Signs more typical of younger children

  • An older child behaving like a younger child (such as bed-wetting or thumb sucking)
  • Has new words for private body parts
  • Resists removing clothes when appropriate times (bath, bed, toileting, diapering)
  • Asks other children to behave sexually or play sexual games
  • Mimics adult-like sexual behaviors with toys or stuffed animal
  • Wetting and soiling accidents unrelated to toilet training

    Signs more typical in adolescents

  • Self-injury (cutting, burning)
  • Inadequate personal hygiene
  • Drug and alcohol abuse
  • Sexual promiscuity
  • Running away from home
  • Depression, anxiety
  • Suicide attempts
  • Fear of intimacy or closeness
  • Compulsive eating or dieting

Physical warning signs

Physical signs of sexual abuse are rare.  If you see these signs, bring your child to a doctor.   Your doctor can help you understand what may be happening and test for sexually transmitted diseases.

  • Pain, discoloration, bleeding or discharges in genitals, anus or mouth
  • Persistent or recurring pain during urination and bowel movements
  • Wetting and soiling accidents unrelated to toilet training

WHAT TO TEACH OUR CHILDREN TO PREVENT THIS FROM HAPPENING

 

  • The typical advice “Don’t Talk to Strangers” doesn’t apply in this case. Most sexual perpetrators are known to their victims.
  • Do not instruct children to give relatives hugs and kisses. Let them express affection on their own terms.
  • Teach your children basic sexual education. Teach them that no one should touch the “private” parts of their body. A health professional can also help to communicate sex education to children if parents are uncomfortable doing so.
  • Develop strong communication skills with your children. Encourage them to ask questions and talk about their experiences. Explain the importance of reporting abuse to you or another trusted adult.
  • Teach your children that sexual advances from adults are wrong and against the law. Give them the confidence to assert themselves against any adult who attempts to abuse them.
  • Make an effort to know children’s friends and their families.
  • Instruct your child to never get into a car with anyone without your permission.
  • Teach your children that their bodies are their own. That it is OK to say they do not want a hug or that certain kinds of contact make them uncomfortable.
  • It is important to remember that physical force is often not necessary to engage a child in sexual activity. Children are trusting and dependent and will often do what is asked of them to gain approval and love.

What to do if you think a child you know has been the victim of sexual abuse

  • Give the child a safe environment in which to talk to you or another trusted adult. Encourage the child to talk about what he or she has experienced, but be careful to not suggest events to him or her that may not have happened. Guard against displaying emotions that would influence the child’s telling of the information.
  • Reassure the child that he or she did nothing wrong.
  • Seek mental health assistance for the child.
  • Arrange for a medical examination for the child. Select a medical provider who has experience in examining children and identifying sexual and physical trauma. It may be necessary to explain to the child the difference between a medical examination and the abuse incident.
  • Be aware that many states have laws requiring that persons who know or have a reason to suspect that a child has been sexually abused must report that abuse to either local law enforcement officials or child protection officials. In all 50 states, medical personnel, mental health professionals, teachers, and law enforcement personnel are required by law to report suspected abuse

Where to go for help

Several organizations can provide information and advice about child sexual abuse, including:  BUT REMEMBER IF YOU SUSPECT IT, IMMEDIATELY GET THE CHILD TO A HOSPITAL FOR EXAMINATION AND NOTIFY POLICE PERSONNEL IF NECESSARY. BUT GET THE CHILD OUT OF IMMINENT DANGER!!!!!   ALSO THERE IS A HELPLINE  Helpline 1.888.PREVENT

American Professional Society on the Abuse of Children 407 South Dearborn Suite 1300 Chicago, IL 60605 (312) 554-0166 http://www.apsac.org/

National Center for Missing and Exploited Children Charles B. Wang International Children’s Building 699 Prince Street Alexandria, VA 22314-3175 24 hotline: 1-800-THE-LOST http://www.missingkids.com/

Child Help USA 15757 North 78th Street Scottsdale, AZ 85260 (800) 4-A-CHILD http://www.childhelpusa.org/

Prevent Child Abuse America 332 S. Michigan Ave Suite 1600 Chicago, IL 60604-4357 (800) CHILDREN http://www.preventchildabuse.org/index.shtml

Child Welfare Information Gateway (formerly National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect Information) Children’s Bureau/ACYF 1250 Maryland Avenue, SW Eighth Floor Washington, DC 20024 (800) 394-3366 http://www.childwelfare.gov/

Also remember that most childhood sexual abuse survivors suffer from PTSD later in life, so it’s very important to get into counseling to “get control”.  I hate using the word RESOLVE, because personally I don’t think issues can be RESOLVED, I think they can only be MANAGED.  Thank you, Lori

I hope this gives some insight to this epidemic.  It is too bad we live in a world where I would even THINK of writing a post like this, but the sad truth is WE DO, and we have to protect our children.  Thanks, Lori

One song does not an album make

I would like to share with all of you some sites that I thought were very interesting because they touched on the very subjects that are dear to my heart, such as CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE.  These sites also have another common thread they are named exactly  like my site except with the suffix of .ORG rather than .COM.  I just wanted to share these sites because they can help us out too with their information:

http://www.lorissong.org/

http://www.lorissong.net/

it also has the website of

http://www.loris-song.org/

I found this rather odd, but instead of getting all “territorial” I decided to share it with you.  We all need resources in times of need and this seems like a very worthy website.

Here are some other resources for those in need or crisis:  Maybe you know someone who might be at risk or suffer from: PTSD, Depression, suicidal behavior or thoughts, childhood sexual abuse, bipolar, substance abuse or other event where they might need someone to talk to.  

 Crisis and support lines

Veterans ~ 1-877-838-2838 ( 1-877-VET-2VET )

Youth ~ 1-877- 968-4843 ( 1-877-YOUTHGUIDE )

National Sexual Assault hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

Crisis Clinic – 866.4CRISIS – 866 427 4747

Crisis Services – 716.834.3131

Crisis support services – 1.800.SUICIDE/ 1.800.273.TALK (8255)

National Hopeline Network – 1.800.784.2433

En Española ~ 1-800-784-2432 ( 1-800-SUI-CIDA )

CANADA RESOURCES:

  • Canada – 1-800-232-7288 – or 911 – http://www.dcontario.org/
  • Canada: (514) 723 4000
  • Canada Crisis Counselors National Hotline 1-800-448-3000 . TTY – National Hotline 1-800-448-1833
  • Canada (French) – 1-866-277-3553 – http://www.cepsd.ca/

I only wish you ALL the very best and if I can help with anything please don’t hesitate to email me at:  lori@loris-song.com  I will answer any questions you might have, or if you just need someone to listen to you.  I can’t guarantee that I have a lot of time or that I’m on the computer a lot but I will definitely give it my best shot.  Maybe together we can help prevent another suicide, homicide or mass killings like Newtown.

After all RECOGNIZING MENTAL ILLNESS is the FIRST STEP in preventing any harm from coming in its path.

God Bless you ALL,

Lori

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The beginning of my demise-Childhood sexual abuse

At age 11 I was molested by my adoptive brother.  I was adopted into this family when I was 6 months old due to being severely abused by my biological family.  When my adopted family got me I had cigarette burns all over my body and severe bed sores on my bottom from not having my diaper changed.  The adoptive family was wonderful until about age 10-11.  That is when my brother who was 18 at the time started playing this “tickle” game.

It started out with; “you tickle my foot and then I will yours-while we were watching TV”.  Then it escalated to him coming into my bedroom and wanting me to tickle something else.  Needless to say when this started I was scared to death to be left alone with him in the house.  I can’t believe my mom didn’t know what was going on, since everytime she left me with my sisters and brother to babysit, I would scream and once banged on the screen door so hard I broke the glass in it and cut my hand all up.

I tried to tell her a few times but she “didn’t have time to talk”.  She also favored my brother, he couldn’t do NO WRONG!  When things started happening like my brother killing my pet rabbit in front of me by hitting it on the head while he hung it upside down, to stunts like asking me to hold onto the battery cables on his motorcycle when he tried to jump start it thus ending in me getting a shock, while my mother stood at the door and watched and laughed.  That is when I realized she MUST HAVE known what was going on.

I started thinking this is what is normal in a household like this, he kept justifying it because we weren’t technically blood relatives.  I knew in my mind it couldn’t be right but I had to justify it as normal until I could do something about it.

At age 15 I emancipated myself by getting married to a 23 year old to escape the house and the abuse from my brother.

Later on in life I thought I had overcome the abuse and that I was strong and could live with it, but now that I’m 46 and have had LOTS of counseling, I’ve come to realize that the abuse had set boundaries and limitations in all future relationships.  Every relationship I had after that I felt like their was ALWAYS a motivation behind sex, even when it was with someone who loved you TOTALLY.  When I met John he thought I was crazy with all my mistrust issues in our relationship.  Well technically I am crazy I have bipolar:):)

He went through therapy with me and still is, to try and get over these thoughts I have about relationships.  Alot of the events my brother put me through and not just the sexual abuse but the cruel acts he would do like kill my pet rabbit and then we would eat it for dinner left the thought of being with a man just sickening.  So I entered relationships which I endured even if they were dysfunctional.  I was married and physically abused but stayed because in my mind if a man does something bad to you, it’s only to show how much he loves you, and after all he did apologize and act affectionate afterwards.  And that craving you have for affection after being beat excuses all past behavior.

Then I married an Iranain who virtually “own” their women.  I was sold in Iran for drug debts, I had moved to Iran only to find out you need your husbands written permission to leave the country.  This is why I wrote a book, not only for a catharsis but to inform others that they are not alone in their “screwed up” thinking and possibly making them realize WHY they have that thinking.  I can’t solve anyone’s problems but I can share and hope that my story might be familiar with another persons to the point that they realize the relationship they are in or were in wasn’t normal and to get OUT.

I’ve added some resourceful links on childhood sexual abuse.  Hopefully these might provide some help and prevention signs to not only recognize abuse but prevent it as well.

I wish you all well in your journey to recovery.  Myself I will never see myself as cured, because the act was committed, but what I will see myself is as HEALING and continue to see that what happened wasn’t my fault or RIGHT!  Thank you and God Bless.

http://www.pandys.org/articles/oldersurvivorsofchildsexualassault.html

http://www.wiit.com/guided_tour.htm

http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/signs.cfm

http://www.d2l.org/site/c.4dICIJOkGcISE/b.6035035/k.8258/Prevent_Child_Sexual_Abuse.htm

http://findatherapist.wordpress.com/2010/01/15/recognizing-child-sexual-predators-protecting-your-children/