Here and there…no matter where you look LIFE is NOW!

Sometimes there are days when I get up and really have to work at staying out of bed.  It has nothing to do with recent events or any particular reasons but I’m just depressed.  I guess that is how Bipolar works.  Other days I’m so hyper that I don’t let John get a word in edgewise.  No matter where I look, LIFE IS HERE AND NOW.  I’m on medications but all I see some days are just the pessimistic views about life and how it drags us down with us.  Then I go online and see something a friend has posted to me, or a funny cat picture and I smile without even realizing my day is better than when it started.

We all take things for granted, and expect those around us to be there forever and we don’t think about losing them on a daily basis.  I usually think about that every night before I go to bed.  I think to myself, my God what would I do if I lost one of my best buddies (my cats) or if something happened to John and usually shed a tear or two at the thought.

But this keeps me appreciating and praying thankfulness for the time I do have right here and now.  I try to tell myself everyday just how lucky I am to have the life I do right now, and try not to focus on the past.  But then I will get a nightmare that brings it all back to the surface.  John usually wakes up to see me sleeping sitting up.  *we couldn’t lay down in the camp even at night so Faresh and I would put our backs together and sleep sitting up leaning on each other.  Even though that was over 11 years ago I still feel safer sleeping sitting up.  This goes to show that no matter how hard we try to get on with our lives there will always be something that “pops” up to remind us of a horrific event in the past.

It is how we deal and justify these returning memories that makes us survive another day.  When John finally wakes me up, I feel so relieved that I’m in a bed next to the man I love and no one can hurt me right now.  I think that is why I have such a feeling of ‘greatfulness’ to God like I’ve never had before.   It just goes to prove that sometimes we are tested, no matter who we are, but the test is alot less stressful than the event was.  And it gives us pause to realize that all of that mourning isn’t going to waste, it is reminding us how GREAT life is NOW!  No matter what your belief system is you can’t deny the affect that God has on us.  I’m not what they refer to as a “BIBLE THUMPER” but I have a strong faith in God, and I know he was with me at that camp, as well as he is here with me now.  When I was in that camp and the night before we were going to escape, I felt someone touch my shoulder, I jerked around to see if it was a soldier and no one was there, then I heard a voice say, “Lori your going home”, and I looked all around to see if someone was mocking me and everyone was either trying to close their eyes but none were looking our way.  And I HAD NO IDEA WE WERE GOING TO ESCAPE THE NEXT NIGHT.

Whenever I feel doubt or someone into evolution tries to sway me to a LOGICAL STANDPOINT, I just tell them, we might have evolved, we might have experienced everything that the scientist say, but still SOMEONE HAD TO BE THE INITAL CREATOR FOR ANY OF THAT TO HAPPEN in the first place.  I can’t believe they don’t get it. 

Anyway I just wanted to share my thoughts for the day,  and make some of you realize that sometimes if I don’t reply positively it doesn’t mean I’m mad or sick of people, I’m just in the midst of realizing that you have two choices in life, to exist in it or live it, and I choose to LIVE IT.  GOD BLESS YOU ALL in your endeavors and remember you will be tested, and no matter what our test is it is far less than what Jesus did for our lives that we are living NOW!  :):)

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Fellow bloggers….a category for you!

Fellow bloggers and friends, I’d like to start a category for all my friends and bloggers who might have something important to say.  Not saying that EVERYTHING you say is important.  But when it is something you urge to be shared or if it touches me in that way that only some things can, I will re-post your blog entry or award here.  If you go to the categories I will add “BLOGGERS & FRIENDS”.

The first addition to the new category is Micki Peluso’s  recent interview.

I hope we all utilize this category to the best of it’s ability and share those things that are really IMPORTANT to get out and/or something that just needs to be said somewhere else besides on your blog.  I thank you and I hope this is a good idea.

Lori

Hellllloooo 2013!

 

Hi all,

I hope everyone feels refreshed and ready to start the New Year.  Nows the time to forget all those past mistakes and habits and time to get new ones.

You can never take back what you’ve said or done but what you can do is change your life so you never repeat those mistakes again.  I’m bipolar and it took me most of my life before I was diagnosed.  (That was in 2006), thanks to my hubby John.

He never gave up on me once he met me.  He met me while I was a stripper and going thru a hard time in life with drugs and not caring. (After I returned from IRAN).  I’m not excusing my behavior but at the time I didn’t care what I did, I never tried to hurt anyone but I was destroying myself.  My friend Jenni knew this guy named “John”, and he would come into the bar and talk to her.  I know this sounds excusing but John had been married 26 years in a basically feelingless marriage.  It was at the point they didn’t talk to each other they didn’t sleep together, but they had a wonderful son and didn’t want to ruin his life….or view of.   I met John on September 24th, 2005, by June 2006, he had filed for divorce and I was living with him.  But that did not come easy by any means.

The first time I met him was “brief” to say the least but there was something about that first kiss that just made me sit there and say “WOW” to myself….of course I couldn’t let him know I was interested, by doing that would be breaking all the rules.  I had been hurt deeply, not once or twice but four times.  Now after Mohammad I thought I would never love again, ever.  So everytime John came over I would turn off the lights and make him “THINK” I wasn’t home.  But he knew better, he had become more familiar with my actions than I ever thought one could in such a short time.   He would stand outside and knock and knock and yell, “Lori I know your in there”……and after about 15 minutes I’d finally answer the door.  I had to get ready and make sure I looked perfect (well as perfect as I could get myself) before I’d answer the door.  That would involve hair, makeup and clothing.

You also have to know at the time, I wore a hair extension (clip in) and lots of make-up and was stripping, so I didn’t look half bad.

If you go to the bottom of my website you can see what I mean about looking much better back then.   www.loris-song.com

John finally talked me into getting rid of the hairpiece and going au natural.  He said he would love me no matter what I looked like because I had a good heart, and was a good person, but I apparently just didn’t know this about me at the time.

Anyway he stuck it out with me, got me through rehab, got me treated for bipolar and went through all the flashbacks and seizures I had due to my brain trauma suffered in the camp.    He also went through a couple suicide attempts I made, of which one included drinking bleach.  He sold his business to stay home and take care of me, because he knew I was going through that time which a nervous breakdown was occuring, because I was just realizing and internalizing what happened to me in the camp.   For the longest time I tried to shrug it off, buck up and be strong.  I didn’t want anyone pitying me.  But I guess finally meeting someone who showed such caring and affection to me after all I put him through made me realize it was ok and safe to be sad over what happened to me.    I thank GOD for him everyday of my life.  And since I’ve met him I don’t want to end my life anymore either:)

He really is my KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR!  And if I had to go through all this again just to meet him, I WOULD!  I love you John.

With that I will say I only wish the best for all of you in 2013.  I am going to try to be happier, and less bitchy.  What some people don’t understand about BIPOLAR is that it’s a MOOD DISORDER not a mental illness.  We can not control our ups and downs and the medication just decreases the severity of it and the occurences.  I have learned that there will never be a day that I wake up HAPPY, I have to work at it.  Alot of you don’t understand this, but I think BIPOLAR people are born mad, sad and skeptical.  Any other emotion we must work for, especially if it is a GOOD ONE:)

I will try to make 2013 better than last year, and if I don’t interact on the blogs with you as much as I should, it’s because BIPOLAR people are by nature NOT SOCIABLE.  When someone comes to our door, we do a low roll over to the edge of the window and hope were hidden and when that person leaves we wipe our head (whew) and congratulate ourselves for getting thru that close call.

Most people go for walks and look at people to interact with, we look at the ground.  It’s not that we don’t want to interact, I think more that it’s we DON”T KNOW HOW, we are socially born AWKWARD at socializing.   But anyway…if you want to know more about BIPOLAR and it’s jokes on how we live (that may give you a better idea on us) this link might help with it’s cute cartoons.

https://www.facebook.com/TryingToMakeSenseOfThisBipolarMind

And here is a post I recently did that might help you understand:)

https://www.facebook.com/TryingToMakeSenseOfThisBipolarMind#!/TryingToMakeSenseOfThisBipolarMind/posts/464970476900217?notif_t=like

In a synopsis, I wish you well, I wish you love, I wish you greatness, but in the absence of any of this, just know I will always be your friend….Lori F. 1-2013

My two BFF’s= Big Furry Friends!

These are the two guys that have helped me get through writing my book and dealing with the aftermath.  If I’m sick they immediately come and lay by me and won’t leave.  If I cry they come and sit by me.  I always knew cats were intelligent but their compassion is unbelievable.  I love them both like my kids and I can’t imagine life without them.  They are both 9 years old, and I keep getting nervous and ask the vet every year, they can live to be TWENTY right??? I don’t think I’d ever be ready to lose them.  Just as you are about your pets.

Please share your stories.  I love to hear them.