Hi all,

I hope everyone feels refreshed and ready to start the New Year.  Nows the time to forget all those past mistakes and habits and time to get new ones.

You can never take back what you’ve said or done but what you can do is change your life so you never repeat those mistakes again.  I’m bipolar and it took me most of my life before I was diagnosed.  (That was in 2006), thanks to my hubby John.

He never gave up on me once he met me.  He met me while I was a stripper and going thru a hard time in life with drugs and not caring. (After I returned from IRAN).  I’m not excusing my behavior but at the time I didn’t care what I did, I never tried to hurt anyone but I was destroying myself.  My friend Jenni knew this guy named “John”, and he would come into the bar and talk to her.  I know this sounds excusing but John had been married 26 years in a basically feelingless marriage.  It was at the point they didn’t talk to each other they didn’t sleep together, but they had a wonderful son and didn’t want to ruin his life….or view of.   I met John on September 24th, 2005, by June 2006, he had filed for divorce and I was living with him.  But that did not come easy by any means.

The first time I met him was “brief” to say the least but there was something about that first kiss that just made me sit there and say “WOW” to myself….of course I couldn’t let him know I was interested, by doing that would be breaking all the rules.  I had been hurt deeply, not once or twice but four times.  Now after Mohammad I thought I would never love again, ever.  So everytime John came over I would turn off the lights and make him “THINK” I wasn’t home.  But he knew better, he had become more familiar with my actions than I ever thought one could in such a short time.   He would stand outside and knock and knock and yell, “Lori I know your in there”……and after about 15 minutes I’d finally answer the door.  I had to get ready and make sure I looked perfect (well as perfect as I could get myself) before I’d answer the door.  That would involve hair, makeup and clothing.

You also have to know at the time, I wore a hair extension (clip in) and lots of make-up and was stripping, so I didn’t look half bad.

If you go to the bottom of my website you can see what I mean about looking much better back then.   www.loris-song.com

John finally talked me into getting rid of the hairpiece and going au natural.  He said he would love me no matter what I looked like because I had a good heart, and was a good person, but I apparently just didn’t know this about me at the time.

Anyway he stuck it out with me, got me through rehab, got me treated for bipolar and went through all the flashbacks and seizures I had due to my brain trauma suffered in the camp.    He also went through a couple suicide attempts I made, of which one included drinking bleach.  He sold his business to stay home and take care of me, because he knew I was going through that time which a nervous breakdown was occuring, because I was just realizing and internalizing what happened to me in the camp.   For the longest time I tried to shrug it off, buck up and be strong.  I didn’t want anyone pitying me.  But I guess finally meeting someone who showed such caring and affection to me after all I put him through made me realize it was ok and safe to be sad over what happened to me.    I thank GOD for him everyday of my life.  And since I’ve met him I don’t want to end my life anymore either:)

He really is my KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR!  And if I had to go through all this again just to meet him, I WOULD!  I love you John.

With that I will say I only wish the best for all of you in 2013.  I am going to try to be happier, and less bitchy.  What some people don’t understand about BIPOLAR is that it’s a MOOD DISORDER not a mental illness.  We can not control our ups and downs and the medication just decreases the severity of it and the occurences.  I have learned that there will never be a day that I wake up HAPPY, I have to work at it.  Alot of you don’t understand this, but I think BIPOLAR people are born mad, sad and skeptical.  Any other emotion we must work for, especially if it is a GOOD ONE:)

I will try to make 2013 better than last year, and if I don’t interact on the blogs with you as much as I should, it’s because BIPOLAR people are by nature NOT SOCIABLE.  When someone comes to our door, we do a low roll over to the edge of the window and hope were hidden and when that person leaves we wipe our head (whew) and congratulate ourselves for getting thru that close call.

Most people go for walks and look at people to interact with, we look at the ground.  It’s not that we don’t want to interact, I think more that it’s we DON”T KNOW HOW, we are socially born AWKWARD at socializing.   But anyway…if you want to know more about BIPOLAR and it’s jokes on how we live (that may give you a better idea on us) this link might help with it’s cute cartoons.

https://www.facebook.com/TryingToMakeSenseOfThisBipolarMind

And here is a post I recently did that might help you understand:)

https://www.facebook.com/TryingToMakeSenseOfThisBipolarMind#!/TryingToMakeSenseOfThisBipolarMind/posts/464970476900217?notif_t=like

In a synopsis, I wish you well, I wish you love, I wish you greatness, but in the absence of any of this, just know I will always be your friend….Lori F. 1-2013